Author: Howlitzer

I am a person.



Howlitzer vs Flu

Fortunately, I’ve yet to be hospitalized or placed as one of -those- cases…

But I did happen to luck out and get sick this year!

I was sick since last week, so I’m about 7 days in now. From what I want to believe, I’ll be “fine” in 2 more days, but otherwise, things seem to be alright.

Definitely better than being violently ill like last year.

I’ll be fine, I hope. I’m hoping to wake up and be pretty good today. Hopefully I’ll be happy. The first actual joy. To be not very sick and to only lightly cough.

I wonder how I even got sick… I can’t figure that out. All I remember is having a cough and getting worse before sleeping one day. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was somehow linked to fried rice.


So, we had to delete some stuff on deviant for reasons, though I’m pretty confused because while reading the terms of services, I found at least 3 contradicting entry points.

It’s the type of stuff where if you point it out, they’ll ban you with the dictation of “I’m always right”, so it’s nothing we can really do anything about.

The ironic part is, it’s just a stepping stone and an introduction phase with drawing. It used to be better, last I recall, but the amount of children wanting their OCs everywhere, and furries running amok, it’s kind of tough to see it as any “good”, and that it’ll keep going in a downward spiral where people who pay will generally be in the top no matter what, and they’ll always enjoy luxuries even if they draw terrible stick figures, which confuses me.

We ended up used to Pixiv’s open standards, so it really ends up as, we saw people posting crap stuff, so we judged on the site’s general quality. Isn’t that a bad reflection of the site, to begin with?

Anyways, we didn’t really lose anything much, because it’s pretty minor in it’s own, it’s just funny that they still have archaic beliefs that are equivalent to “Being gay is wrong, but I can’t tell you how, and everyone else who grew up the same way should believe the same”. I still don’t understand how people can be raised to be such things, but eh.

Otherwise, we’re still doing the same old stuff, nothing really changed.

Although it is ironic how much nudes they allow, and the fact they allow nude selfies and whatnot. It’s kind of like.. almost literally, children’s Tumblr. The idea of moderation makes me laugh a bit, because male nudity is practically non-existent, but for females, it’s somehow never seen as sexual, knowing full well that the fact they allow breasts and other-such, which may sound harmless, until you realize the user-base is very childish, and they’re quite literally, teenagers.

I mean, can you honestly tell me people would look up breasts on such a place without wanting it for soft-core porn? A flaccid penis hardly does anything, but breasts, they’re kind of… you know what, why am I bothering? People are stupid. There’s a degree of sexism and segregation here, but people will find it okay.


Just like sheep okaying a bad English dub IE XENOBLADE 2, because it’s “funny” and the fact it’s on YouTube makes it funny/acceptable.

Game integrity, but you know what, we don’t need that.

Because Tokyo Xanadu with Aksys’ “translation” was good. The game wasn’t bad and it’s story was as it was, it presented itself as an anime-format, quite literally, an anime game, complete with openings every episode/chapter.

Shio constantly mentioned balls. In japanese, it can be translated in over 3 ways. Guts is one of them. “You’ve got guts.” Instead, he’ll even go so far as to say testicular fortitude. Yeah, nice job being hyper gay, Aksys.

I want my gay characters as gay, not my straight characters written to be gay in that way. I mean, god, the X.R.C. is Kou’s harem, what the hell, Aksys?

Hokuto *Seijyuurou

*Should probably be read as “Seijuro” seeing as Toukyou is read as Tokyo. You know, because Aksys isn’t consistent. Tokyo Xanadu is a mess, but it’s a good game if you can withstand the shitjob from Aksys. They did not touch up any previous existing lines in the PS4 version from Vita, at least, from what I saw.

Did coloring practice, feeling good about it. I’m learning more and more every week, despite losing so much. I’ve been lazy and slow due to losing everything, but I’m trying to get back on track.

Will link to tumblr because I don’t know.

Picking Pieces

So, with that, I’m left with a heavy heart, not knowing what to do or how to handle my current state when it comes down to music, I need to reinstall all my programs… and well.. yeah.

I feel lost, and somewhat alone, but I’ve been reminding myself lately that there’s one person I can’t break for. I need to shape up and change everything for his sake, and my sake.

Today, I realized a lot when I helped someone. Their motor chair, one of them scooters for disabled people, ended up with a dead battery, and he stopped me and asked if I could help him, I agreed because, that’s the right thing to do. This family/household is self-centered and selfish, full of narcs who think they’re right.

Well, the human thing to do is help others, not ones’ self.

As heavy as the chair was, and the fact I was basically shoving what may be at least a 200lb combined total, was pretty tough. I’m definitely not weak, and my biggest issue was steering. Any wrong turn would be VERY bad, as we’re on the sidewalk.

I was a little tired afterwards because, I had to keep doing pushes whenever the slightest bump came up, and the toughest part was fitting him between the car and the power outlet.

The story behind that is, he found a guy who’d let him use his power outlet, which was on the side of his house. Of course, the guy I encountered kind of had to cross the street, and he was moving/steering backwards as it was, and well, it was easier to push him forward from behind instead.

I was saved by one of those grass-less areas because I had ended up on the grass, and it was annoying. Fortunately got back on track, and fortunately avoided getting him near any driveway exits. That’d be terrible.

So, yeah. He was very thankful, and I felt thankful in all honesty.

That there are other people out there who are still human. People who still have emotions, and a will, people who don’t need to rely on the internet/YouTube for help.

I’m happy to have had a chance to help someone, because I generally don’t. It felt good, because, you never know what kind of difference you’ve made in life. Be nice to someone, and who knows what’ll happen. Maybe he got to a place in time, or perhaps, maybe he’d even be able to get home rather than being stuck on the road until someone passes? Hell, what if he would’ve wound up in traffic if otherwise?

I’ll never know what I actually did, but the fact is, someone was helped, and because they were helped, they could resume their life.

This “family” will never know nor care of that.

They didn’t even let me take a cat in to take care of it. In fact, what they did was laugh it off, and turns out that cat followed us completely, we ended up getting it to an animal shelter through conditions and luck. I’m happy to have helped it in some form/way. I still remember the box I carried, we put it in, and I took off my jacket and covered it, it was cold, I think it was a similar time, September of last year? two years ago? I forget.

I mean, it was probably the warmest sleep it was able to get. It had a home, and it went missing from that home. The only sad part is, we never got to learn of it’s fate, and for all we know, it could’ve wound up in an even worse place.

Every time I think about these things, I think about what it means to be a person, to be human.

I think about what I “need” to do, and weigh it to what these people would do.

Someone breaks into a car, chances are, the people here would watch it and ignore it, unless they’re the victim.

On top of that..

For the past two days, it’s been nothing but road rage/rage, anger issues.

I’m at my breaking point. You want attitude, I’ll give you sliced throats, I’m so fucking sick of it. I grew up often hit, on top of many other things. I had to put up with an angsty retard, actually, tw.. no..

Actually, yeah…

I realized that I had to put up with a lot of rage issues, the reason I am the way I am, is a byproduct of an unhappy environment.

I want to laugh realizing that.

I lose so much, to the point where I even lost my education..
I need to get a GED somehow, but this household won’t help. Hell, it took me 10 years to get glasses. I needed them in Jr. High. I would’ve passed if I had glasses. I would’ve done a lot in life compared, if I had glasses. I ended up sheltered and broken the way I am because of that negligence, and I do remember what broke me as a teen.

I brought it up that my mom cared more about school than she did about me, and she admitted it. It was so bad that I had to contemplate on drugs/drinking/suicide.

Am I better off now? Well, I cheated my way out of the system, which cut any nags at school, ultimately making them give up on me. So, I guess, no, not really. I lost much, and it hurts. I feel inabilities everywhere.

But.. I digress..

I do my best because I need to. Why do I need to? I’m not alone, that’s why.

I’ve lost so much data, so many memories, so much proof that I even lived, so many experiences gone. Now, I’ve even lost what I was passionate about and truly desired to finish?

I can’t believe that. I have to laugh at it. It’s stuff that somehow happened, it was supposed to be impossible, but it happened.

My only reason for sanity is the one I call my boy, and as we know, family isn’t what one chooses, I mean, I once had a short spurt of viewing him as a brother, but then, stuff happened.


I am still confused on how I’m always playing games. I mean, I was reading up and learning JPLN5 kanji, and almost have it all down. It’s only 70-something kanji, worthless but has great value. while “he” was “dealing” with my pc, I was reading Japanese, and I wanted to sleep, but wasn’t allowed to earlier, due to the fact I had to put up with his aggravation.

Swears, swears, I try not to swear unless I’m pushed to a point, but I’ve literally had to grow up hearing that very same retard spout them because he gets angry when he plays games.

I play arcade games and arcade based games on occasion, compared to what a PS4 has to offer, I’m the one who should be getting mad over coin eaters, not something stupidly fixable. You can’t “git gud” in arcade games, emulation gives us infinite coins, but it feels good to conquer something with the least amount as possible.


I’ve got to finally let it all go and move forward. I wonder if I can learn to drive some time soon. I’d love to go to the beach or even rent out a cheap motel room somewhere and just have a relaxing get-away. 100% silence with no one around. We’d be able to do anything we want, and get a taste of the future every once in a while. We both have toxic situations, and we really need to do something about it.

However… after today… I’ll have to put everything on pause and take it one step at a time, I feel like a cripple. Hopefully I can start all over without a hitch…

From zero, once again… in a record time. I will never let anyone else near this PC, ever again. I’m tired of being denied anything and everything because I wasn’t looking, thus allowing the retard to do as he pleased.

I’m tired of loss. It’s time to pull in some wins.